Advocate

     I'm going to keep this brief, seeing as I've got a splitting headache and looking at a computer screen doesn't help. I've received your package, Advocate. While I've been awaiting you, I followed your set of instructions and began taking doses of the elixir that came along with them. Several days ago, I started experiencing some symptoms, including intense migraines, aching muscles, and nausea. Until those subside a bit, I'll be waiting to take a second dose.

     When you decide to come for a visit, I have a few questions to ask.

I hope to speak to you soon.

Look Who's Back!

I'm back, motherfuckers.

That's right. And I have quite a few stories to tell.

First off I should start by saying that Eden is no longer with us. I honestly wish I had done it myself, but that probably would have been rather difficult, being all tied up and shit. I'm not going to go into deep detail about this, since I'd like to be as brief as possible. Maybe you can look forward to a better explanation of my sudden disappearance once I've gotten my point across. And what is my point exactly? I'm just here to make a proposition. The business is out. Deals have been made. I'm done with the Siblings' bullshit and guilt and fucking emotions. It's been...what...a year? Two? As if I keep track anymore. Since the last time I posted, my only thoughts have been whether I'm still alive or in hell yet. Sure, I thought about going back, changing my name again, even checking the blogs to see if I still had a sliver of a chance left, but what is that worth? Even if I clawed my other eye out, I still couldn't unsee the damage I've done ever since I escaped the goddamn Cage. There's no childhood innocence left to save me from the future. I've already accepted the fact that my past can't be undone, but for a while there, I actually thought there could be another future. I guess what changed that was the death of DeMii. Seeing that maybe if I'd stayed, she'd be alive and I could be the kind of aunt I should have been until my selfishness overpowered the flicker of love that had kept me going up until Nameless replaced Trinity. It was like life had no purpose but to eventually bring on death. But whatever. Fuck then. This is now, and now is all there's left to maybe make something of myself.
So here it is.

I have a deal for you, Advocate. This is the one time I'll ever need you. Or anyone at all. And god, you're the only thing I can think of that can change me right now. I need you to help me. But what do you need me for?

The Man in The Mask and A Dark Alliance

     I can now tell you that what happened last isn't the end of it. I wasn't - really - dead. Something had rescued me. It wasn't Eden, or, surprisingly, Kieth. They hadn't even come looking for me, not that they'd even know where to look. Eden didn't know what I was capable of doing. Maybe I'd hurt someone, but he never considered me a killer. Even though I had once. He didn't think I would ever again. He'd though...I'd changed.

     My eyes fluttered open to see the ceiling, and my vision was blurry. Kieth was asleep in a chair beside me, and soon Eden walked in with a tray, smiling to see me awake. "You were unconscious two days," he told me. "I wasn't sure what to think, but I knew you were alive."

     "How did I get here?"
     "A man brought you. Wore a white mask. Thought you'd know who he is."
     "I don't," I said slowly.
     Eden handed me a piece of white cloth with a bloody hand mark on it. "Well he left this, anyway."

     That's when I realized it was Victor who brought me home. Home. We were still in the Shangri-La, I noticed.

     "So then where's Lily?"
     The boy shrugged and sat at the edge of my bed. "She hasn't come back, but Kieth told me she called. She told him what happened, and he gave me the message, too." Surprisingly, Eden didn't look angry or upset. "I suppose you're a little weak. The man must've healed you some, but you still gotta rest. I gotta go out and get some stuff, but if you need anything, wake Kieth." Smiling at me, he kissed my forehead softly, then walked out the door.

     I waited a while before heading out. The first place I checked for Lily was the park. she wasn't there, but soon I found her nearby at a small stream behind the shack. She was leaned over Jed's body, sobbing, trying to get him to float in the shallow water. Trying to get rid of the body. "Not going to tell his parents, huh?" My voice triggered her instincts to attack, and she came lunging at me full speed. Don't forget, she was blind. It wasn't hard to get her pinned onto the ground. "I'm sorry!" I screamed at her while she flailed on the dirt. "It wasn't me!"

     "Then who was it, bitch?!"
     "Sybil! Ugh, god, you won't understand! You never will! I'm not one person, Lily!"
     She calmed down a bit, but didn't stop crying. "How does that work?"
     "My personality is split into seven - Threnody, Cat, Jubilee, Violetta, Sybil, Sophie, and Cassandra. Sometimes they all combine, but rarely. I dunno exactly how to explain it...it's just..."

     She'd gone limp, still awake, but limp. She was probably just...in shock.

     "Carrie's gone, Lily. Not completely...but she's not the same. And somewhere...she's in there somewhere. You'll get to see her once before she disappears completely. I'm trying really hard, Lily...really hard to make her come out...it's painful, it really is. For you...I'm trying." I rocked her slowly in my arms. "I don't know who I am, but I still love you. I'm still your sister, I promise. Please...please try to love me..."

     I carried her all the way back home, since Eden took the car out. She was thin, thin as a twig. Looked so easy to snap, and I admit it was tempting. But Carrie told me no. Carrie kept me from switching back to an animal. I love her. I'll never try to hurt her again.


     Now she's in her bed. She has been since I started posting again. Life's gone on. I know I'm supposed to be dead, but thanks to an old - I dunno what to call him - I'm still somewhat alive. And I'm going to savor that. Once Lily gets better...we're heading back to the mansion. Maybe I'll continue to search for jobs, maybe not. I'll think it over while we wait.

     But I know Sybil and Violetta aren't going away anytime soon. I haven't heard their Voices - I'm becoming them. If I don't do something about it, I'll kill Kieth, Eden, all of them. So I've had an idea.

Eyes of A Predator and A Nameless Corpse

     The heat was cooking me like an oven. My heart pounded, faster and faster. Figures bobbed up and down, shouting things to one another. Someone called my name and I shook my head. I knew I couldn't go much farther. Pain soared up through my body as a bullet hit my calf, and I tumbled down into the hot dirt, panting like an animal. Still Ren didn't stop for me.

     Then I heard a bang. Three bodies scrambled on the ground in moans of pain. Using all my energy, I dragged myself forward and I stood shakily beside Ren, who held me up with one arm. There was a grin on his face that sent a chill down my spine. I had my hand on the gun, finger on the trigger. He had his own as well. It lifted up. Faced the runners. He started laughing, and...

     We all started at the man's body silently, then, one by one, everyone looked at me. I'd done it - put a bullet in his head, and now he lied still in the dirt in his own blood. I didn't smile, but instead glanced back at the runners and shook my head. A few smiled. Did they think I'd set him up to save their lives? Maybe. Most of them were mostly puzzled, not sure whether to fear me or thank me.

     Then one put a step forward. Turned and ran. The others watched as I lifted my arm, pulled on the trigger like I had to Ren. They watched their friend fall, but didn't have time to watch me turn the barrel towards them, too. In a moment, they all lay there, limb and cold. There was nothing left for me to do. I turned and got back in the car, then drove away.

     My heart was full of glee. Blood coated me like I'd just bathed in it. The smell of death on my skin was like a bed of roses. All the way, I smiled, ear-to-ear. There was nothing in the world that could stop me. I was invincible. My vision was red like fire. Everywhere I turned, every face I saw, I imagined without life, on the ground like Ren. Passersby moved away from me. I giggled all the way home.

     The door was knocked down with a strength I didn't know I had, and somehow my voice sounded strange. "Where's Lily?" I shouted as I pushed Eden hard up against the wall. He had no fear in his eyes, instead just confusion. "With her boyfriend, Jed." Then he had a sudden realization on his face. "You don't have to go do that, Nameless. I'm...sorry for yelling at you. We can talk together, I'm sure Kieth will understand how you're feeling."

     "Feelings," I said, disgusted. "All these feelings." With that, I dropped the boy heavily on the floor and started to walked out again. "Where exactly?" I asked, hesitating by the door.

     "The park..." He'd given up.
     "Perfect."

     It was getting dark. Cold lingered on my skin, as I wore nothing really except a camisole and a pair of ripped jean shorts. I can admit now that I hadn't been thinking about much except finding Lily.

     On the swings, side by side, they sat, rocking slowly back and forth. Didn't see me watching them, eyes hungry. I could faintly hear their voices. Telling each other the love they felt. Feelings. Suddenly, the boy turned towards me and called out. Lily glanced around as well, sensing me there. "My sister," she said kindly. I felt her warmth, but this time, I felt none towards her. As I began to walk steadily over to the two, Jed protectively  put his arm out to my sister. Scrawny fellow. I pushed him aside easily and took hold of Lily's pale throat. My laughter was loud above the sound of her breathlessness. She couldn't escape me this time. I was going to kill her.

     The boy leaped out in front of me and tried pushing me to the ground. But I'd brought my knife. He found that out soon after he attacked, stumbling over and staining the snow with his blood. Lily paused for a moment over his body, whispering his name through tears and short sobs. She heard my footsteps. Her screams echoed all around us as she ran towards the shack a few yards away. The place was old and practically decrepit. I followed her inside anyway.

     Silence met me inside the building. She would be hiding somewhere around in one of the rooms, and it wouldn't be hard finding her. Now I had my gun out, chanting my sister's name and weaving in and out of the rooms. I thought I'd heard footsteps and followed them out into a hallway, only to be kicked over from behind. I hadn't even turned around before I heard her voice, and knew her hand was on the gun.

     "I've always been dead to you." Lily wasn't crying anymore. She showed power, standing over me. And yet even as she spoke the truth I didn't want to face when I had my real soul within grasp, her voice shook and almost ceased at one point. Then she continued on. "I never forgot, but even though you faked it, I knew you'd never change. You're a killer. You killed our parents, our little siblings. You killed Ron. You...killed...Carrie. I don't know who the hell you are, but you're not my sister. You never will be." She raised the gun to my forehead, then down to my chest. "You ruined my life, and your own. You've killed me once, but not again." Her finger was pushed against the trigger. "Now it's my turn. Consider this...a bullet...from the grave."




     To the world, I've never existed. No one knows who Carrie is. No one knows a Trinity. Not even I know who Nameless is. They are all...fake. Maybe I will never know. But for now I can say that as the world around me went black, I finally accepted that.

A Very Unwanted Love Triangle and New Feelings

     I started to notice something going on about a week after Lily came to live with us. At first, as I expected, she was very quiet and mainly stayed up in her room, alone. She listened to some TV and Eden put braille books in her room which she didn't really read much. Then, slowly, she started to come out. It was pretty much just to eat and use the bathroom, but when we made her sit at the table with us at breakfast, sometimes she'd talk. About work, school, her friends. About her life. I felt so happy to listen to her speak, it'd been so long and we were only small children then. I could almost hear the sound of Jubilee's flute in the distance.

     She was very nervous around me. I could tell Eden worried her too, but she almost seemed to avoid me whenever possible. I mean...I tried telling myself, you know, that I understood. Considering how I'd affected her life in what I'd done, I'd probably be shaken up myself. But I can't say it didn't hurt my feelings just a tiny bit. Really, all I wanted to do was run into her arms and pull her to me like I hadn't done in years, but that would only scare her even more. So I let her alone, like a new pet. I let her adapt.

     She did quickly. She knew all the rooms in the mansion and who we were. She knew our personalities and what and what not to do. She got used to Eden a little and spoke with him sometimes when they met in the hall, but shied away from me when we did. I got frustrated, but didn't let it show. Still thinking about it makes me angry. But I just get mad at myself even more because I made it happen. And her eyes - although they didn't work - instantly shot in my direction when I stood across a room. It was like she sensed me there, and had an instinct to flee. Like animals, I was the predator. She only knew to run from me.

     Then a friendship grew between my sister and Kieth. When she locked herself in her room for the day, only his voice could coax her out. She'd even let him in and lock the door again once he was inside, leaving me out. All I could do was press my ear up against the wood and try to hear what they were saying. And no, I wasn't jealous. I knew Kieth wouldn't do anything with her. After all, she's my sister, and he spent four years searching for me - why would he give that up now? Maybe some other boys would, but not Kieth. I know him...

     I guess Kieth must have convinced her to give me a chance or something. She started coming out even more, sitting around with us while we spoke and joked and laughed. She laughed along with us, smiling in my direction. I felt happy, but something else too. The way she sat so close to Kieth. How they hand hands while he led her down the staircase, across the different rooms and hallways. He always made her breakfast, lunch, cleaned up for her after dinner. I didn't expect him to do so for me too...I mean...I still have one working eye. I have arms, too. I can do it myself. I didn't mind that. Then Eden would glance my way and flash me an odd smile, nodding towards the two like it even mattered. That pissed me off, I must admit. Making a bid deal out of it didn't help. He should've known that, at least.

     As Lily opened up to me, I shut her out. Instead of her avoiding me, I avoided her, but even when Kieth and her locked themselves in her room and got really quiet, I still stood outside and stared at it with such anger. I took her in, didn't I? It's one thing for Eden to keep the basement private - no one wants to see cat livers in bottles, anyway - but for my own sister to be keeping all quiet with...Jealousy may be what I was feeling, but I had a reason for it. I remember when Kieth told me about the girl he kissed while I disappeared. He was lonely, in the hospital after the accident I caused him. She had a crush on him, and even though he knew I loved him, he didn't push her away. He gave in. What would stop him this time?

     Lily wasn't only friendly towards Kieth. She became good buddies with Eden, too, once he gave her time to adjust. They weren't as close as her and the other boy were, but they were still close. That's what gave me an idea - still the worst one I've ever had, but it was an idea, nonetheless. He was in the kitchen one night making dinner, mac n' cheese, for himself when I carefully stepped in, waving a hello. He greeted me with a smile and nothing more. I thought I once saw Lily playing with her hair while she spoke to Eden, and someone once told me that's a sign of flirting, so when he glanced over at me again, I mimicked this behavior. He just gave me a funny look and started to turn away.

     "So, Eden," I said quickly, "whatcha makin'?"

     "Uh...food."

     "Wow, that's cool."

     He could probably tell something weird was going on by then. "Cool?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. "Since when have you taken an interest in what I do?"

     I shrugged and inched a bit closer. "I dunno. Even if I don't show it, I've always been interested."

     "Really..." his sarcastic tone reached my ears just as he turned and starting walking down to his room. I followed slowly and tried not to touch any of the walls. "Yup," I chirped happily, bouncing onto his bed once I made sure Henry wasn't there. Eden plopped down beside he and set the plate on a TV tray, then looked over at me. "So what's up?"

     "Oh, nothing. Just wanted to spend some ti-"

     "Is this about Kieth and Lily?" he asked accusingly.

     "What? No. Why the hell would you ask that, I'm just trying to be friends! What the fu-"

     "Okay, calm down," he said, shaking his head.

     Letting out a sigh, I glanced around awkwardly, hoping he would say something next. Instead he just sat there and chomped on his cheesy noodles. Finally, once he was done, I gathered up all my courage and stood over him. I pushed the palm of my hand on his chest and leaned in, utterly disgusted in my mind. As our lips touched, I thought of Kieth and pushed down the urge to run upstairs again. Eden's body was pressed up against mine, both of us pressed against his bed. We didn't move for several seconds, so I took the next step and opened my mouth. That's when I felt myself lift up. Eden slid me off of him and wiped his mouth, looking surprisingly upset. "This is about them." His voice was lower than usual, his eyes not meeting mine. This time I didn't deny it. I nodded my head, and so did he. "Okay then," he said dismally and slowly walked out of the room, leaving me there.

     The next time we saw each other, Kieth and Lily sat together on the couch. It was the time of day when we all sat together and talked. It was kinda like a bonding ritual, if you think about it. Eden and I sat in opposite chairs. The whole time he hadn't spoken, but when he was asked a question, or when one of us tried to include him in the conversation, he just smiled or nodded with a little, hollow chuckle. I had a feeling I'd really hurt him. I didn't even consider he'd ever have feeling for me - at least, not in that way. But now I was starting to consider it. When I couldn't take the silence anymore, and both Kieth and my sister were locked up in her room again, I went up to him and grabbed his arm tight.

     "I'm sorry, Eden," I whispered. He stood there silently and shook me off, but I grasped him again before he could walk away. "Listen to me," I said sternly. "I admit that I did it out of jealousy, but that doesn't mean we have to ignore each other forever now. We can still move on."

     "But I don't want to, Nameless." He looked me straight in the eye and took hold of my shoulders. "I thought maybe, when you kissed me, that you meant it. I've...I've liked you, N. I have, but you never acted like you felt that way too. You acted like you hated me. You called me dumbass and fuckwad and dickface, and even though I laughed, it still hurt." His fingers squeezing into my shoulders, I couldn't meet his eye. Why did I feel more guilt than I did killing Ryan? "But then you kissed me...you don't know how happy I was. Nervous, but happy. And then...it just...it felt wrong." His ocean eyes were wet now, and he shoved me roughly off him, stomping downstairs. There was nothing more to say. I'd messed up...I really had...

     My room was really always the only place I could express myself. My true self. There are rarely moments when all the Voices and the souls are in my at once, but for some reason right now was one of those moments. Tears streamed out my eyes and I rocked the bed as I convulsed. My voice ran out from screaming into the mattress. I flipped myself over ten thousand times and ripped the curtains off the windows. My arms were destroyed; bite marks coated them along with blood. I could barely feel the pain - from my wounds. In my heart, all I was was confused and angry. At myself. At Lily for ruining my life. At Kieth for betraying me. Then I decided it - from that point on I hated Lily. And someday...I would get her back for stealing Kieth.

     Ring, ring, ring...

     "Hello, this is Nameless."

     "Hello, darling. Meet me at the hill. We've got those runners right where we want them now."

Emerald Eyes and Ivy Tears

     Wires lied behind the desk, cut by something sharp, probably a pair of scissors. The whole place was dark, darker than black, and only a small flickering flashlight lit my way. I crossed the room several times without tripping over any objects. In the air lingered the scent of decay, making me gag. Bodies in the closet. Inching my way closer, my hand grasped the knob and I pulled the door open, several corpses falling out on top of each other. In the dark my eyes played tricks. Maggots crawled out the ears of a woman, consuming her flesh slowly.

     By the time I'd finished, vomit covered the floor, which I had to mop up. It was a relief to be out in the fresh air again. I inhaled deeply and crossed the dead lawn to the back of the building.

     A man dressed in all black nodded at me and handed me the limp body, then went scurrying away. I didn't bother to ask who he might be; in the end it didn't really matter. So I dragged her heavy body into the room and dumped it in the corner just as the flashlight's batteries died. Don't need to see your face anyway.




     "I'm sorry."

     Her eyes were slowly starting to flutter open, emerald shining against the black. She was so beautiful. She looked like my mother.

     "I'm so sorry."

     They searched the dark frantically, as she pushed her body up hard against the wall. "Who's there?" her voice called softly, fear evident. I sat only a few feet away and yet she couldn't see me. For a while I waited silently, hoping she'd notice me and realize who I am, but time went by and all she did was start to cry. "Please don't hurt me," she sobbed. I felt a pain in my chest, I coughed quietly, and her head shot up in my direction. "Hello?"

     "It's just me," I whispered softly, inching closer every few seconds. "It's just me."
     "Who are you? You sound young."
     "I am," I replied.
     "What's your name?" came her voice through the dark.
     "I don't have one."

     Her smile surprised me, which I doubt she could see on my face, if she could see that at all. "Well you must," she said lightly. "Everyone has a name."

     "Not me."

     We sat silently across from each other quietly. The floor was hard and cold underneath me, but when she reached out and touched my hand, I was warmed up again. "Why are you sad?"

     Her tears dripped onto the ground in a pool around her feet as I fought hard not to let mine fall. In the dim light, they almost had an ivy color. Finally, I couldn't hold mine in any longer. "Because I've done something awful and I can never make it right," I whispered. Even I could hardly understand myself. Then suddenly she started to shush me, pulling me close like a mother. "It's alright," she reassured.

     Then she lifted up her eyes and looked into mine, unseeing and unknowing. "Why have you brought me here?" her soft voice asked. God, the dread I felt. She knew I was a child, she almost knew me even though she couldn't seem to see. I know she would remember my name, who I was, if she could see my face through the dark. I urged to turn swing open the door and reveal myself to her, because it would be so much easier than to say the words, but I knew that would never change things.

     "I did something terrible to you. A long time ago."
     She seemed to consider this, then slowly said, "What is your name, honey?"

     "Carrie."

     She was crawling away from me, flung my body off of hers in disgust as I convulsed on the floor, my head in my hands. It was so long ago, or so it seems, that I last cried. My cheeks were dry and I liked it that way, but now the redness stained my face and I couldn't see clearly. I watched her hands move rapidly around, feeling the walls and floors, looking for a way out. Why can't you see anything, Lily? Why is the world so dark to you? Finally, she stood. Her legs were wobbling, unbalanced. Her entire body shook as she edged her way around and got a grasp on the doorknob. She shook it furiously and furiously but it wouldn't open. She screamed out in something like fear or frustration, but still it wouldn't let her out.

     Then she let her body hit the ground again and lay still until I crawled to her side. "Please," I begged, "let me say I'm sorry."

     Her voice didn't come this time, but I continued because somehow I knew she was still awake.

     "I was never one person. I was never...a person. I don't know what I am - was. Maybe I am insane. Maybe I should've died. But I didn't. A man came and made me feel something painful and powerful, and I followed what he said because he promised me so many things. I followed and did what I was told to do, but it wasn't me. It was like I was watching through someone else's eyes. I cried and cried but nothing came out, I screamed but I didn't open my mouth once. Then they locked me in a Cage and used my mind to hurt and kill and destroy life. I found a way out. I found someone who I loved and I...I don't know. I forgot everything about myself until Ron came. I guess he didn't give up on me after that night. He must have followed, even if he forgot everything after, too. He saw me kill the twins, Mama, Dad. He thought I killed you, but he stayed, and when we found out who we were, we escaped. I moved to a place called the Haven, but still I lost myself there and instead I left to find you. I've...killed other people, and now I'm no one. I'm an empty body with seven souls, seven separate emotions. I don't understand myself, and neither will you, but I want you back. I want my family. I want you...to know I'm sorry. Even though i know that can't fix a thing."

     Her emerald eyes in the blackness like night creeped up and slid along the walls until they landed on my face, and I realized why she couldn't see me. The green color was pale and light, and there was no soul in them. She was blind. Another memory came back, and I was one step closer to realizing who I used to be.

     "I forgive you."

Airplanes are Comets Hurdling Towards Earth, Not Stars and Lily The Lion Tamer

     I have, since the day I first rode one, always been afraid of planes. And that's saying something. I kinda dumped all those other useless emotions behind and let myself progress without them. Things like Hopelessness  and, as I said, most of my fears. Still, a few remain. One being planes. And don't assume I'm afraid of heights, because I'm not. It's just something about sitting in those death machines that makes me feel nauseous.

     That being said, you can probably guess the trip to Australia wasn't a fun one for me. The takeoff is really the hardest part. So is the landing. In between isn't any more relaxing, but it's better knowing we're flying straight forward instead of up (stalling) or down (accidental crash). But although I did vomit several times within the first hour of the flight, I am proud to say that I have improved since the plane ride to Jersey.

     "I'll take the window seat," Kieth sighed as we filed into the narrow lanes between the rows of seats. Shuffling down and flopping into our seats, we exchanged a look of frustration and started getting comfortable. "If Ren went through all the effort to buy tickets and take care of hotels just to get us on his side, why couldn't he have just gotten us one of those fancy spots, where they give you champagne and shit?" I muttered just as Eden sat down in the chair in front of us. "Guys," he whined, "don't make me sit alone!"

     "For fuck's sake, Eden, it's just a plane ride," I groaned.
     "But I'll be all alone for fifteen hours!"

     "But if you keep complaining, you'll be all alone for a lot longer than that," I said, kicking my foot hard against the back of his seat. Jerking forward, he stuck out his tongue at me and spun around, finally shutting up for once. Kieth glanced at me and pretended not to notice how hard I was squeezing his hand. Over the intercom, I heard a flight attendant give instructions to turn off electronics and buckle ourselves. Soon, the plane was inching forward, and very soon after that, we started to lift off into the air.

     The entire time, I gripped onto Kieth's hand until his circulation was cut off and my knuckles turned white. Whenever he tried to get the feeling back, I tugged on his arm and made him sit still again. Luckily, Eden had fallen asleep. Even I started to drift off after the first two hours. Then suddenly I woke up and Kieth was prodding my shoulder. "It's time to get off," he whispered with a smile.

     Eden bumped into me as we were just about to step outside for our first glance at Sydney, Australia.

     "You enjoy your nap?" he said, grinning like he'd just dissed me.
     "I guess," I replied, shrugged.
     "Really? I thought you were the one who was so convinced we were going to die, yet you still slept?"
     I rolled my eyes. "Drop it, dickface."

     "So did Ren tell you where we were going to meet up?" Kieth had a map almost as big as me spread out  in front of his face, his eyes scanning over it with a determined look. "He'll find us at the hotel," I said, watching Eden drop pebbles into the harbors. "Why?" He looked up and shrugged. "Duckies might be hungry."

     Ren's choice of hotels made up for the crappy airplane seats. I could have spent the entire trip wandering the Shangri-La Hotel, even just staring at the beautiful lobby. "This must have costed a million dollars!" Kieth yelled as we reached the indoor pool. "Can we go in, Nameless? Please?" The two boys glanced at me with the most adorable puppy eyes ever, I'm surprised I shook my head. "We came here to find Lily, not laze around. You can go in later." Eden nodded slowly and sighed. "How long do you think it will take to find her?"

     "I dunno, Ren told me she works at a zoo or something. I don't think it will be that hard to find her."
     "And kidnap her," Eden pointed out matter-of-factly.
     I groaned, "Sure, whatever."

     Our room didn't disappoint, either, not that I thought it would. Ren thought of it all. He even got a room with three beds and an extra bathroom. I still don't know how he pulled that off, or if he'd been watching us for a while. How would he even know about our bed and bathroom problem?

     After we unpacked, I left the boys in the room, trying to figure out which channel Cartoon Network was on, and took a step outside for some quiet, so maybe I could think straight. "Uh...Miss...Name...less?" I turned around and saw a young man in a uniform squinting at a slip of paper in his hand. "Is that...you?" Cautiously, I nodded and took a step forward and peered around him. Parked around the corner was a shiny black Camaro Convertible. "Uh...your rental car?" he said timidly as I stared at the vehicle, then looked back at him in disbelief. "Mine?" I asked, still shocked when he nodded.

     "Eden!" I screamed, bursting into the room and pinning him against the bed. "You rented a car?!"
     "No," he said slowly, looking up at me like I was crazy.
     "Then who did?..." I glanced over at Kieth.
     "Not me."
     "It was probably Ren," Eden said simply as he slid out from underneath me.
     "Oh...you're probably right." I chuckled. "I dunno why I didn't think of that."

     The awkward man had our rental car parked as close to the building as he could get it, stepping out and scratching the back of his head once he saw us walking across the parking lot towards him. "Here you are...uh...ma'am," he said. I smiled and thanked him as kindly as I could, then sidestepped around him and started to open the driver's side door when I heard him ask, "Are you sure you're old enough to drive? M-ma'am?" I glanced back at him and grinned, holding up a license. He was reassured, and let us drive through without having to run him over.

     Where did the license come from? Ren put it in the envelope along with the tickets and passports and other necessities of travel, which I didn't question. From that moment on I was legally (hehe) twenty-one years of age. "He could have just made you eighteen or seventeen, or something closer to your real age," Eden said as I swerved along the road (this was my first time driving). "Twenty-one is the legal drinking age," Kieth pointed out with a grin. "But, yeah. You should probably let Eden drive now. You know...since he knows how."

     Eden at the wheel, we pulled over a short while later, sitting in our seats and staring up at the Taronga Zoo's metal sign. 'Welcome to Taronga Zoo.' Slamming shut my door behind me, I headed in towards the entrance, passing through the ticket booths to purchase our tickets. Then we were inside, and I was hardly able to keep Eden in my sight. "Monkeys!" he shouted. "Elephants! Ohmigosh, it's a giraffe! Look, Nameless, look at it's neck! Hiiiii, Melmaaann!"

     "Look, Eden, Dippin' Dots!"
     "Ooo, where?!"

     He fell for it seven times.

     "Nameless, I got a text from Ren," he said suddenly as we reached the Cafe Plaza. "He says to find your sister at the lion exhibit." Following Ren's instructions, we headed down, Eden bouncing excitedly around when we reached our destination. "Lions! Rawr!" I couldn't help but laugh. He was like an obnoxious little kid, Zoo sticker, visor, and all.

     "Nameless. The eagle has landed." I glanced at Kieth, who was staring intensely at something inside the den. I followed his gaze, my eyes landing on the figure of a young woman, probably in her early twenties, with wheat-colored hair like mine and tanned skin, like mine. She looked up at us and smiled, unknowing, and I realized by the color of her eyes that she was really my sister. I can't say all the memories and regrets were flooding through me at that exact moment, because all I was focused on was getting what I left Haven for.

     And I got it. Kieth watched out for me while I followed Lily down the path behind the lion dens, leading to the bear exhibit. Luckily, not many people were down that way when I figured I had her in the right spot. I didn't need to be wary of security cameras, I could probably hack into them and clear the tapes later, anyway. And tasing her was kinda fun.

     :)

Eden's Jar of Hearts (Literally) and My New Friend The Killer

     I heard a loud rapping against my door, followed by Eden's voice, tinged with worry. "Nameless," he called, "I made us soup. Egg drop, your favorite. Please come out." My head was buried under the pillows, pressed so hard against them I had trouble breathing. I tried to drown out the boy's voice by humming Teenager In Love. It's the only song I know.

     I'd just started to drift into sleep when a huge bang came from my right. The door was knocked flat against the floor, and Eden stood there with a mini battering ram. At first we just stared at each other, then I sat up and asked, "Where did you get that?"

     Eden glanced down at the battering ram and shrugged. "I dunno, found it in the bathroom."

     After that, I really didn't know what to say, so I just flopped over and pulled the sheets over my head, feeling the mattress press down as Eden sat next to me. "What happened," he asked in a soft voice. I felt like I was supposed to cry, but I didn't. I mean, I'd just killed a little girl's dad. Wouldn't a normal, well adjusted person cry about that?

     "I don't know," I sniffle, flinching when a hand smacked down on my thigh. "Don't give me that, young lady!" The boy stared me down with a hard gaze. "Of course you know, or I wouldn't have to break down the door to talk to you!" His eyes softened when he looked into mine. "Please tell me, hun."

     I told him about Ren and the email, about Mary and Ryan and why the side of my face was bloody. I talked and talked while Eden cleaned up the wound and wrapped a bandage around it. I had to stop him from spoon feeding me. Then I finished the soup and he led me downstairs to the door of his room. "Are you sure?" I asked, uncertain. The key he shoved into the lock looked like it was centuries old, but it still worked just like any other. " Of course I am," Eden replied, leading me down the narrow steps into the carpeted morgue of a bedroom. "I have the perfect thing for you down here."

     "Hard to believe..." And it really was. Shelves practically covered every inch of the cement walls, lined with bottles and jars of liquids I didn't even want to distinguish. There was a bed pushed against the opposite walls, and I almost laughed when I saw a few stuffed animals substituting pillows. As I stepped closer to examine them, my face quickly changed from amusement to horror. "I figured Henry and his friends would get lonely on the side of the bed," I heard Eden call. Henry...I quickly stomped over to him, pointing furiously towards the bed. "You get rid of those NOW!" Eden gave me a puppy-dog look and shuffled over to them, scooping them up in his arms. "But look how adorable they a-"

     "Adorable?! Are you nuts?! That's roadkill, Eden! Dead. Animals. God, that's what stinks!"

     "You're hurting his feelings!"

     "He isn't alive, fuckwit!"

     "To me he is!!!"

     Taking Henry and the rest of the animal corpses, the little manchild disappeared around a corner, then popped his head out again to stick his tongue out at me. I flipped him off in return and continued scanning the place, running a finger along the bottles of goo and whatever the hell else he kept in there. When Eden returned again, this time empty handed, he came beside me and took one of the jars in his hands, beaming from ear to ear. "You know what this is?" he whispered in an excited tone. 

     "No," I replied cautiously. 

     The boy turned and grinned evilly at me. "A cow's heart."

     You can probably guess this is when I started to flip shit. I screamed and grabbed for the jar, smashing it against the floor and bolting out of the room, not caring whether I knocked over the other containers or not. Who knows what else was in them? I ran all the way up into the kitchen, slamming open the door and sprinting into the acres of land that was the backyard. On either side were small stretched of forest, but after what happened the other day, I really didn't feel like going there. So I ran farther back until I found a place to hide under a big trimmed bush in the mini garden.

     I sat there for a while, catching my breath. Shouldn't have come here. Crazy, nuthouse. I'm gonna kill Kieth. Kill him.

     "I can assist you," a man's voice said from somewhere to my right. Slowly, I turned and looked, meeting the crazed blue eyes of Ren. Surprisingly, I didn't actually attack him, but rather stood cautiously and pulled out my handgun. "No need for that," the Proxy said with a smile playing across his lips. "It isn't fair to fight an unarmed man with arms." He sat himself down cross-legged across from me, then gestured for me to do so as well.

     When we were both seated, Ren leaned back and sighed. "I saw you kill Ryan. Really, I hadn't ever planned on killing you. You have a good intuition. You know what we like to do." The grin curled up his lips, showing off a set of disgustingly yellow, chipped teeth. "You seem to know much more than that, though. You have a sense about you...You must know?" I nodded. "I once worked for Father myself, though I left that for a better life with my brother, Ronald. He...he died saving me."

     Suddenly Ren burst out laughing, tears coming to his eyes. I felt my own teeth grind together in anger and the urge to shoot take over. "How cliche," he chuckled, wiping his eyes. "No offense to you or anything, deary. But you must agree?"

     "I killed my entire family, but he still loved me. Enough to trade his life for my safety," I sneered. I saw his expression change back to a serious one. He knew I wasn't fucking around. My eyes must have said it: Cross me and I -will- kill you.

     "Let's get straight to the point then," Ren said as he lit a cigarette. "I came here to ask you to join me. Become an...alliance, if you will."

     "Why?"

     "It's a pesky group of runners, not unlike that idiot boy you killed."

     "You can't take care of them yourself?" My insults had gotten to him.

     Obviously angered, he said, "They're in Australia."

     I couldn't wipe the smirk off my face. "What are you getting to?"

     "Oh, don't tell me you don't know?"

     "What's the connection, moron?" I yelled, raising the gun to his head.

     "Well a little birdie told me something you're looking for can be found there as well."

     Ren's clever smile had to mean something. "I'm not currently looking for anything in particular except jobs," I said, lowering the weapon. "Oh, but you are," the Proxy whispered. "You telling me you already forgot about little ol' Lily?"

     "My sister?" I glared at Ren as he lifted himself off the ground, then offered me a hand, which I denied and instead pulled myself up. Then he nodded, turning away and taking a few steps in another direction. Before he could leave, I quickly called out, "Alright." This got his attention again. "I'll do it. As long as I don't have to pay for tickets."

     "Already taken care of," he called back, throwing me an envelope. "Use it for you and your partners. I'll meet you there." And with that, he disappeared.

     As for myself, I returned inside, just quiet enough to sneak past Eden't room and reach my own. Luckily, he wasn't waiting for me there, so I placed the envelope in a drawer and flopped back down on my bed, letting out a deep sigh. I didn't feel too good about teaming up with someone I was once suppose to have killed for pay, but if it meant I might be able to find my older sister, and get a free trip to Australia, it was worth it.

Home Sweet Home and The Day I Disappeared

     The hotel was too small for three people. Period. I felt like I wanted to punch out the walls every day. We all had to share one tiny bathroom, and I swear Eden spent half his time with us on the toilet. I even thought I heard him talking to himself once.

     Turns out his parents are filthy rich and own a huge mansion house, although they're barely around with their business trips and whatnot, according to Eden. He suggested we move in there. "My parents are gone for a month on a trip to China, and I'm sure they wouldn't mind you guys staying over for a while," he said. So we all packed our things and he drove us there. The place was cloud nine. The whole time Kieth was grinning at me with his bright anime eyes while Eden showed us our rooms. Mine was three times the size of our hotel room, with paintings hung on almost every wall and a king sized bed between two regal-looking windows. Kieth's was just as magnificent. The best part was we both got our own bathrooms. "I sleep downstairs in the basement, door's always locked. If you want me, ring the top bell." He pointed to a row of buttons on both our walls before walking out.

     It didn't take long to get cozy. The mattress felt like it was made of clouds and the whole place smelled of vanilla home-baked cookies. Maybe it was a little girly for me, with the daisy wallpaper and pink curtains, but at least I didn't have to share a bed with the creepy necrophiliac anymore. I was just settling in when our host called us down for dinner. That was quick, I thought.

     The dining room was even more lovely than the bedrooms. The table in the center of the room stretched across the entire floor, with eight chairs on each side and two at the very end. An intricate centerpiece, a giant vase overflowing with exotic flowers I can't even name, sat at the middle of the table while Kieth stared at it, almost in a trance. "Shrimp scampi for dinner! My best recipe. Mama taught me." We sat ourselves down while the boy set out large plates of food in front of us, steaming and spewing it's deliciousness in our faces. I've gotta say...best meal of my life. I never thought I would say it, but it was almost better than chocolate ice creams.

     When we finished, Eden cleaned up both Kieth's plates and mine, which still had half the meal on it. "You weren't hungry?" he asked, looking kind of disappointed. "Heck no, I was starving," I laughed, "but you put enough noodles on there for an elephant." I smiled and gave him a pat on the back. For the first time, I felt like maybe we could be friends after all.

     The next morning, just like at dinner, Eden served us a breakfast of french toast and scrambled eggs in the living room. Kieth had Adventure Time playing, smiling up at me and giving me a quick kiss when I came by and sat on the couch with him. Things were going so well, almost feeling normal. I felt like I had when I first ran away with my brother, met my Ladies, felt like I belonged. Kieth still had to go to work though, and once he was gone, I stood in the doorway while Eden pulled on his work uniform and turned to me. "You sure you'll be alright while I'm out?" I nodded. "I could take off a day and stay if you want..."

     "I've killed a man, Eden, I think I'll be okay for a few hours," I said, grinning, as he let out a little chuckle too. "Alright, call me if you need me, hun." With that, he gave me a little high-five and drove out into the street.

     The mansion felt empty with just me in it. To keep myself busy, I went wandering in all the rooms I hadn't yet seen, mostly curious about Eden's. Like he said, he kept it locked, so I went back upstairs and sat on my bed, taking out my laptop and browsing around for nothing in particular. I got a new email.

Hey. ---- told me about you. I'm a friend of his, Ryan. I've been having a problem of my own, a Proxy who calls himself Ren. He's been leaving riddles and threats on our doorstep, even broke in once but didn't seem to take anything. Mostly I'm worried for my daughter's safety. She's only nine. Please contact me back and we can work out a price. Thanks.

     He got online only about fifteen minutes later, and we spent an hour working out a price and choosing a time to meet. He already knew about my age, but it wasn't much of a problem this time. "There aren't many people like you...I don't know any other runners and I'm not good with guns. I'm desperate for help," he said. When we met later that day, his daughter opened the door for me. I wasn't exactly sure how to greet her, if she knew what her dad was dealing with or not. "Daddy, it's Nameless." So she knew who I was, at least. Ryan came to the door, shaking my hand. Normal people, when they first meet me, tend to act awkwardly, less professional than they would with an adult. With this man it wasn't a problem.

     The house was somewhat small. Maybe I'd just gotten used to the mansion and felt weird inside such a tiny building. I sat myself down on the couch while Ryan took out some papers, Mary sitting down beside him. Her eyes were locked on me...she was too demonic for a little girl. "Here," Ryan said, breaking through my thoughts. "These are notes Ren left inside the day he broke in." He handed me the crinkled little papers and watched eagerly as I read. This Proxy was nothing compared to some others I'd seen. I gave the father back the notes and leaned against the couch. "He'll be an easy one to take care of. At least, from what I see here," I said. Ryan and I stood and walked to the door, his daughter scampering off to her room to give us some privacy. We stepped outside, staying silent for a minute until I pointed off towards the forest in their backyard. "He hangs around there?"

     "Yeah, sometimes Mary says she sees him outside her window at night."

     "I think he wants to play," I said, tightening my grip around the switchblade in my pocket.

     Ryan looked at me funny and asked, "You see him?"

     "No, but I have a feeling he knows. He wants us to chase him..."

     "Us?" He said, giving me another look. "I thought I hired you to get rid of him."

     Walking towards the forest, I sighed, getting frustrated. "Or, he may just want me gone, leaving you and your precious baby girl home alone. It'd give him an advantage. Kill you real easy, real fast." I could tell without looking that I'd convinced him. "Honey, Daddy will be back home soon, alright? If anything happens, call me!" With that, we both headed off into the woods.

     I gave Ryan my knife and kept the gun for myself, stepping quietly over piles of dead leaves and new snow, just starting to drift down from the sky. "What if something happens at the house?" Ryan asked before I harshly shushed him. The rest of the way we continued in silence, until I saw the man pointing to the left with a wide-eyed expression. "Saw him?" He nodded, holding the switchblade out in front of him. I pulled out the handgun and moved behind a tree, turning to peek around the trunk. Suddenly I heard running footsteps, my body whirling around just as Ryan tripped back, Ren landing atop him. I lunged as fast as I could towards them, but the Proxy shoved himself off and stumbled back, Ryan waving his flimsy weapon around at nothing. I regret it, but I couldn't help standing and staring at the two complete idiots. Either one could have died so easily; both were undefended and out in the open.

     Hesitating like that made me lose my opportunity. Ren had regained his balance and gone clambering up a tree when a branch snapped under his foot and slammed right down on my chest, knocking me to the ground. I struggled to push it off, feeling something slide out from underneath me. I turned in time to see Ryan holding my gun in bloody hands. "No! Give it to me!" I shouted, scrambling along the cold dirt. I could see how far off his aim was, then noticed Ren falling down, snapping branches until he came plummeting towards me. I hesitated, panicking, saw the barrel of the gun pointed towards me, and I screamed. Ryan raised the weapon just an inch as he fired. Then I felt a pain right near my left socket. I lifted a hand to my face as Ren fell on top of me but slowly lifted himself up; the fabric of the eye patch was ripped and so was my skin. I felt woozy as I stared at the blood on my hand that touched the wound. The weight on my back lifted, I heard faint footsteps fleeing, and my vision started to clear up again.

     "Oh God, Nameless, I swear...That was an accident...I meant to get Ren's chest, but he was falling too fast. I still got his arm. Nameless, I swear, I didn't mean to hit you!" Ryan pleaded, even falling onto his knees as I stood and stepped towards him. It was like gravity insisted on tugging me down. Balance was unknown to me. My eye was locked onto the gun. Once I had it in my hand again I reached Ryan, his eyes red and wet, and helped him up with my free hand. For a while we stood without talking, then Ryan wiped his eyelids and chuckled a bit. "I actually though you were going to shoot me or something," he laughed, leaning against the tree. For a minute, I let out a little giggle as well. We both stood there, laughing, until I raised the gun and grinned. "Learn to follow your instincts next time. Hehehehe!"


     I enjoyed pulling the trigger. I enjoyed watching the bullet dig itself into his skull. The way his face changed when I laughed, the gun in my hand. How I left his body in the woods, let Ren run from the fight. How I left Mary without a father. It was all so...magnificent. The best moments of my life. And...And I don't regret it. Maybe now I do, maybe a little. But at times, when I feel sad, I think about that day and I smile to myself. I've changed so much, but I can't decide: for better or for worse?

Eden

     A hotel in northern Delaware was our home the first couple weeks after we left. Running out of money was my biggest fear at first. I kinda knew no enemies would waste their time coming after us, the kids. Kieth suggested taking up a job, so we both went looking. He ended up getting hired as a bagger at a grocery store, while I had no luck. The problem was mainly my age, but obviously minimum wage wasn't enough to pay for food, clothing, and shelter. I still tried, looking the papers and online. Then I came across something interesting. There was a web ad I noticed that was written in code. It was an unusual one; I didn't see it used often, but I recognized it from the time I spent with the Siblings. When I decoded it, it turned out to be from a runner, seeking help from someone who knew how to deal with Proxies. And it payed. In cash.

     I contacted the runner, trying to sound as mature and professional as possible. Unfortunately, they wanted to meet me in person. I couldn't exactly say no...I mean, this was a job that paid and that I was capable of accomplishing. Probably. I did end up meeting them, and even though at first they weren't convinced I was serious. But when I shattered their windows with my gun and they changed their mind. That was taken from my pay...

     My job was to track the thing down and try to kidnap it. If I couldn't, I had permission to kill. Kieth had his own work, so I went alone. Only took two days to figure out he was using the church not so far from our hotel to hide. In fact, the bastard even disguised himself as the priest. I went in to the next sermon, waiting until it was over to do what I was told. So I followed that plan, snuck into the side doors, and was about to confront the target when he pulled aside a young boy, whispering something in an angry tone. "Hidden...dagger..." Then laughter, from the both of them. He could be another Proxy. The two started walking out the sides when I sprung at them, mainly going for the priest. Then the boy jumped up and caught my hair while he yelled for the other man to run. "Fuck! He's getting away! Do you know what he is?! Let me go!"

     "A little girl should not be playing with guns, young lady." I could not believe this guy. "If you knew what I was, what I could do to you, you'd be running just like that guy," I sneered when he released me. He'd already grabbed the weapon from my hands and thrown it into the river right next to us. "What do you mean, little girl? Wait! Omigosh! Are you a serial killer?!" By then I could kinda tell this guy wasn't a Proxy. "Of a sort," I replied, and pulled out an extra handgun. "Please don't make me report you, sweetie! Please put that away! Help!" I shoved my hat in his mouth, kept the gun pointed against his torso, hidden behind my jacket and said, "If you don't want to get shot, come quietly with me."

     I brought him to the hotel and tied him up on the bed, which didn't look too good to Kieth once he got home. "Eden?" I pulled the gag from his mouth and he told us his name. His parents are super religious and force him to attend church then help clean up after. He swore he knew nothing of Proxies or what that "priest" really knew, and listening to him talk, we both agreed he was telling the truth. "Now he knows, though. We can't kill an innocent person...right?" Kieth gave me a look when he saw my hand on the gun, but I just shrugged. "I don't see a problem with it," I said. "People do it in movies all the time."

     "But I don't think we should..."

     "Well then what? Until we find a way to erase his memory, we can't just send him on his way."

     "Then he can stay with us."

     We already had enough to pay for, plus I completely failed with the help of that idiot, so I really should've said no, but I didn't. So we bought a bigger hotel room, but he still had to share a bed with one of us. Kieth said - can you believe this? - that he couldn't share a bed with Eden because it was "gay". I dunno where he got that idea, but he just would not agree to it. Therefore, for an entire month I had to share my bed with a Spongebob underwear-wearing baby who hogged all the sheets and snored and kept me up almost every night. He even had the nerve to ask me for a fucking bedtime story, so I made him sleep on the floor. Tough luck, bastard. I have a gun. Don't ask me stupid questions.

     Eden helped a bit at least, since he did have a job working at a novelty item shop downtown. Still it was a rough time, paying for three people. Soon four. But then I found out the guy was a total nut job...an animal necrophiliac. We were driving in his car one day when he pulled over next to a limp piece of raccoon roadkill, and picked it up in his hands, dumping it in the back seat in a cardboard box. "You've been collected animal corpses for three miles, Eden, what's your problem?" He just smiled and hugged the bloody thing and said, "This one's name is Henry."

    Remind me never to have children.

Nameless

     It's funny sometimes how much can happen in just a couple months. I've found myself changed so many times, I've forgot who I really am, but it's not like that bothers me. When you've lived your whole life and never known what your real name is, you kinda get used to the feeling.

     I don't have a name. I never really did, although I was called a couple things throughout my lifetime. But you know how that works. It's hard to interact with someone who has no name. So I've decided to call myself Nameless. I'm hoping it will work this time.

     Sometimes it feels like a year's worth of events has been crowded into three months; like we just have to rewind back a bit and start from there. Truthfully, I'd relive my whole life from start to finish if I could. All the way up until my death, which (although right now it might seem a bit confusing) has actually already happened. But don't worry! I'll be explaining everything soon.

     I used to keep promises, but I've forgotten how over time. I still remember every one I made, though. There's one I regret not keeping...This would be my third life, now. When I left Jersey behind, I also left myself. I dropped my name, everything I loved, my family, I even tried to erase my own mind. I just wanted to forget all that happened. I wanted to be normal, but God know that would never happen. So I pretty much just followed the sun. No one knew who I was, except for a few.

     I don't know my birthday, but I have a feeling I've gotten older. That wouldn't change much anyway, and it didn't. I was still a "kid", so money was my only way around. I made some cash killing off Proxies for local Runners, and I used that to find temporary places to stay and means of getting food. I tried begging, but after I got mugged, I gave that up. And even though I bumped into some of my old clients a couple times here and there, they either didn't recognize me, or didn't care enough to show it. I'm not lying when I say I regretted leaving home.

     I can't say I was too busy to call or let them know I was okay, because that would be a lie. Most of the time I spent wandering around looking for more jobs or just sprawled out in front of the television. Or crying. I did a lot of crying that first month. Ginger and Basil, my two cats, didn't help much, but neither did Kieth. Sometimes I got so angry I kicked him out and didn't care where he went or what happened to him. I only cared about myself. On the table next to my bed there was a phone, but I never made any effort to pick it up and dial Shady's number. I didn't even read her blog. she could be dead, and I wouldn't know.

     I know I should've stayed. I know I didn't leave to find my sister. I just don't know why I did. I just don't know...