Friday, January 20, 2012

A Very Unwanted Love Triangle and New Feelings

     I started to notice something going on about a week after Lily came to live with us. At first, as I expected, she was very quiet and mainly stayed up in her room, alone. She listened to some TV and Eden put braille books in her room which she didn't really read much. Then, slowly, she started to come out. It was pretty much just to eat and use the bathroom, but when we made her sit at the table with us at breakfast, sometimes she'd talk. About work, school, her friends. About her life. I felt so happy to listen to her speak, it'd been so long and we were only small children then. I could almost hear the sound of Jubilee's flute in the distance.

     She was very nervous around me. I could tell Eden worried her too, but she almost seemed to avoid me whenever possible. I mean...I tried telling myself, you know, that I understood. Considering how I'd affected her life in what I'd done, I'd probably be shaken up myself. But I can't say it didn't hurt my feelings just a tiny bit. Really, all I wanted to do was run into her arms and pull her to me like I hadn't done in years, but that would only scare her even more. So I let her alone, like a new pet. I let her adapt.

     She did quickly. She knew all the rooms in the mansion and who we were. She knew our personalities and what and what not to do. She got used to Eden a little and spoke with him sometimes when they met in the hall, but shied away from me when we did. I got frustrated, but didn't let it show. Still thinking about it makes me angry. But I just get mad at myself even more because I made it happen. And her eyes - although they didn't work - instantly shot in my direction when I stood across a room. It was like she sensed me there, and had an instinct to flee. Like animals, I was the predator. She only knew to run from me.

     Then a friendship grew between my sister and Kieth. When she locked herself in her room for the day, only his voice could coax her out. She'd even let him in and lock the door again once he was inside, leaving me out. All I could do was press my ear up against the wood and try to hear what they were saying. And no, I wasn't jealous. I knew Kieth wouldn't do anything with her. After all, she's my sister, and he spent four years searching for me - why would he give that up now? Maybe some other boys would, but not Kieth. I know him...

     I guess Kieth must have convinced her to give me a chance or something. She started coming out even more, sitting around with us while we spoke and joked and laughed. She laughed along with us, smiling in my direction. I felt happy, but something else too. The way she sat so close to Kieth. How they hand hands while he led her down the staircase, across the different rooms and hallways. He always made her breakfast, lunch, cleaned up for her after dinner. I didn't expect him to do so for me too...I mean...I still have one working eye. I have arms, too. I can do it myself. I didn't mind that. Then Eden would glance my way and flash me an odd smile, nodding towards the two like it even mattered. That pissed me off, I must admit. Making a bid deal out of it didn't help. He should've known that, at least.

     As Lily opened up to me, I shut her out. Instead of her avoiding me, I avoided her, but even when Kieth and her locked themselves in her room and got really quiet, I still stood outside and stared at it with such anger. I took her in, didn't I? It's one thing for Eden to keep the basement private - no one wants to see cat livers in bottles, anyway - but for my own sister to be keeping all quiet with...Jealousy may be what I was feeling, but I had a reason for it. I remember when Kieth told me about the girl he kissed while I disappeared. He was lonely, in the hospital after the accident I caused him. She had a crush on him, and even though he knew I loved him, he didn't push her away. He gave in. What would stop him this time?

     Lily wasn't only friendly towards Kieth. She became good buddies with Eden, too, once he gave her time to adjust. They weren't as close as her and the other boy were, but they were still close. That's what gave me an idea - still the worst one I've ever had, but it was an idea, nonetheless. He was in the kitchen one night making dinner, mac n' cheese, for himself when I carefully stepped in, waving a hello. He greeted me with a smile and nothing more. I thought I once saw Lily playing with her hair while she spoke to Eden, and someone once told me that's a sign of flirting, so when he glanced over at me again, I mimicked this behavior. He just gave me a funny look and started to turn away.

     "So, Eden," I said quickly, "whatcha makin'?"
     "Wow, that's cool."

     He could probably tell something weird was going on by then. "Cool?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. "Since when have you taken an interest in what I do?"

     I shrugged and inched a bit closer. "I dunno. Even if I don't show it, I've always been interested."
     "Really..." his sarcastic tone reached my ears just as he turned and starting walking down to his room. I followed slowly and tried not to touch any of the walls. "Yup," I chirped happily, bouncing onto his bed once I made sure Henry wasn't there. Eden plopped down beside he and set the plate on a TV tray, then looked over at me. "So what's up?"

     "Oh, nothing. Just wanted to spend some ti-"
     "Is this about Kieth and Lily?" he asked accusingly.
     "What? No. Why the hell would you ask that, I'm just trying to be friends! What the fu-"
     "Okay, calm down," he said, shaking his head.

     Letting out a sigh, I glanced around awkwardly, hoping he would say something next. Instead he just sat there and chomped on his cheesy noodles. Finally, once he was done, I gathered up all my courage and stood over him. I pushed the palm of my hand on his chest and leaned in, utterly disgusted in my mind. As our lips touched, I thought of Kieth and pushed down the urge to run upstairs again. Eden's body was pressed up against mine, both of us pressed against his bed. We didn't move for several seconds, so I took the next step and opened my mouth. That's when I felt myself lift up. Eden slid me off of him and wiped his mouth, looking surprisingly upset. "This is about them." His voice was lower than usual, his eyes not meeting mine. This time I didn't deny it. I nodded my head, and so did he. "Okay then," he said dismally and slowly walked out of the room, leaving me there.

     The next time we saw each other, Kieth and Lily sat together on the couch. It was the time of day when we all sat together and talked. It was kinda like a bonding ritual, if you think about it. Eden and I sat in opposite chairs. The whole time he hadn't spoken, but when he was asked a question, or when one of us tried to include him in the conversation, he just smiled or nodded with a little, hollow chuckle. I had a feeling I'd really hurt him. I didn't even consider he'd ever have feeling for me - at least, not in that way. But now I was starting to consider it. When I couldn't take the silence anymore, and both Kieth and my sister were locked up in her room again, I went up to him and grabbed his arm tight.

     "I'm sorry, Eden," I whispered. He stood there silently and shook me off, but I grasped him again before he could walk away. "Listen to me," I said sternly. "I admit that I did it out of jealousy, but that doesn't mean we have to ignore each other forever now. We can still move on."

     "But I don't want to, Nameless." He looked me straight in the eye and took hold of my shoulders. "I thought maybe, when you kissed me, that you meant it. I've...I've liked you, N. I have, but you never acted like you felt that way too. You acted like you hated me. You called me dumbass and fuckwad and dickface, and even though I laughed, it still hurt." His fingers squeezing into my shoulders, I couldn't meet his eye. Why did I feel more guilt than I did killing Ryan? "But then you kissed don't know how happy I was. Nervous, but happy. And felt wrong." His ocean eyes were wet now, and he shoved me roughly off him, stomping downstairs. There was nothing more to say. I'd messed up...I really had...

     My room was really always the only place I could express myself. My true self. There are rarely moments when all the Voices and the souls are in my at once, but for some reason right now was one of those moments. Tears streamed out my eyes and I rocked the bed as I convulsed. My voice ran out from screaming into the mattress. I flipped myself over ten thousand times and ripped the curtains off the windows. My arms were destroyed; bite marks coated them along with blood. I could barely feel the pain - from my wounds. In my heart, all I was was confused and angry. At myself. At Lily for ruining my life. At Kieth for betraying me. Then I decided it - from that point on I hated Lily. And someday...I would get her back for stealing Kieth.

     Ring, ring, ring...

     "Hello, this is Nameless."
     "Hello, darling. Meet me at the hill. We've got those runners right where we want them now."

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